Bill Gates picks his own punishment ...

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

Great news for Bill Gates !!

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95.

Just for ..

Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

Santa to salesman : I want a pink curtain for my computer screen.
Salesman: But sir computers dont need curtains.
Santa: Hello.. I got 'Windows' !!

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.
Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright

On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend
asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.

Management Lesson

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pinna coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Management lesson?

Always let your boss have the first say. !!!

Yet Another Management Lesson !!

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Complexity of Women...!! :lol:

HER DIARY



Day night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made

plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends

all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no

comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing" I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u too". When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.


He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not

take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.






HIS DIARY

Today India lost the cricket match against England.

DAMN IT.



NOW that's called...

Simplicity of Men
Vs
Complexity of Women...!!

Funny American Lifestyle...

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American,

"You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now I have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years."After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

The American continued,

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son I.e. My brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems.... Give me a break!!"

Reason to never visit a Seven Star Hotel

Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"

Answer: "tea please"

Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"

Answer : "Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"


Answer: "white"

Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"

Answer: "With milk "

Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"

Answer: "With cow milk please.

Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"

Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "

Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"

Answer: "With sugar"

Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"

Answer: "Cane sugar "

Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"

Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "

Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"

Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst

Bill Gate's Car Operating System!!

Bill's company made software to run a car. Bill was taking a test ride of the car. Suddenly a truck came from opposite side.

Bill pressed ctrl+b to apply brakes. A pop-up window appeared asking, "Are you sure you really want to stop?" Before Bill could enter "Yes", there was a crash and the car caught fire.

In panic Bill forgot the password to open the door. He started shouting "F1! F1!" but there was no computer professional present there to understand his screams.

Then he tried to come out through the car window-pane. A message appeared on the screen, "An illegal function is performed. All the window-panes of the car will be closed." Poor Bill died.

Messengers of death took away his soul and said to him, "You have never ever performed any good deeds in your life. You always stole the code from others. We are going to send you to hell."

Bill pleaded, "I am ready to go to hell but do provide me a computer, please."

Messengers of death smiled inwardly and permitted him a computer, but with no Alt, Ctrl and Delete keys on the keyboard.

A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."

Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see.

"Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"

Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."

Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."

Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."

The Fastest Indian

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing. On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!The Japanese exclaimed, “What??… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

Positive Outlook

How to start your day with a positive outlook?

Open a new file in your PC.Name it as "Boss".

Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

Empty the RECYCLE BIN.Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"

Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

Feel better? Have A Nice Day.

Tech Support

Customer: "One of my friends gave me an ImageWriter printer and this keyboard. He said he gave me all the cables, but I can't figure out how to connect them. Am I missing something?"

Tech Support: "Well, a computer would help."

Customer: "You mean this keyboard isn't a word processor?"

Tech Support: "No ma'am, its just an input device."

Customer: "Then I need to buy a computer, right?"

Tech Support: "Yes."

Customer: "Do you think I'll need a monitor, too?"

A troubleshooting experience with an American customer ..

Customer: "My mouse doesn't work any more."

Tech Support: "Is it an optical or ball mouse?"

Customer: "Huh?"

Tech Support: "Does it have a ball or light?"

Customer: "It has an light on top."

Tech Support: "On top?"

Customer: "Yeah. It was underneath before, but it looks better when it's on top."

Tech Support: "Ok, try turning it around so the light points down on the desk."

Customer: "Oh! It works!"

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.[waiter leaves]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00

Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50

Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00

Cool Joke !!

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns
from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East,
I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch
as Cola is virtually unknown there.

But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.
So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand...
Totally exhausted and panting.

Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and

Third, our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic,
I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

Kaipulla ....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsnUK4hrHzM

What is Recession?

This story is about a man who once upon a time was selling Hotdogs by the roadside. He was illiterate, so he never read newspapers. He was hard of hearing, so he never listened to the radio. His eyes were weak, so he never watched television. But enthusiastically, he sold lots of hotdogs. He was smart enough to offer some attractive schemes to increase his sales. His sales and profit went up. He ordered more a more raw material and buns and sold more. He recruited more supporting staff to serve more customers. He started offering home deliveries. Eventually he got himself a bigger and better stove. As his business was growing, the son, who had recently graduated from college, joined his father. Then something strange happened. The son asked, "Dad, aren't you aware of the great recession that is coming our way?" The father replied, "No, but tell me about it." The son said, "The international situation is terrible. The domestic situation is even worse. We should be prepared for the coming bad times." The man thought that since his son had been to college, read the papers, listened to the radio and watched TV. He ought to know and his advice should not be taken lightly. So the next day onwards, the father cut down the his raw material order and buns, took down the colourful signboard, removed all the special schemes he was offering to the customers and was no longer as enthusiastic. He reduced his staff strength by giving layoffs. Very soon, fewer and fewer people bothered to stop at his Hotdog stand. And his sales started coming down rapidly and so did the profit. The father said to his son, "Son, you were right”. “We are in the middle of a recession and crisis. I am glad you warned me ahead of time."

Moral of the Story: It’s all in your MIND! And we actually FUEL this recession much more than we think.

The Dangers of Cigarette Smoking
Cigarette smoking is the leading cause of preventable death in the world. Every year, thousands of Americans are diagnosed with lung cancer that was brought about specifically from smoking.
Most smokers are bombarded with reasons to quit smoking every day, and there are hundreds of quit smoking tips, quit smoking aids and quit smoking support groups. However, none of the ways to quit smoking can work for you if you are not ready to give up your habit. Knowing what cigarette smoking does to you can help you make up your mind to begin your trek toward a healthier life.
People Should Smoking Stop Why?
Cigarette smoking is perhaps the worst thing you could do to your body. There have been a variety of studies that show that smoking shortens your life by six minutes for every cigarette you smoke. When you think about this in terms of packs a day, you are shortening your life by two hours for every pack of cigarettes you smoke. That is quite a sacrifice to make just for smoking.
Another reason to quit cigarette smoking is that it is expensive. Cigarette prices are always on the rise as more and more sin taxes are added. In states such as New York, one pack of cigarettes can cost more than seven dollars. If you add up all of that money, a pack a day smoker could save more than two thousand dollars a year if he or she quit smoking.
Cigarette smoking individuals are also twice as likely to have heart attacks than non-smokers. They are also five times as likely to die from these heart attacks than those who do not smoke or who quit smoking at a young age.
Cigarette smoking stops circulation in some individuals, and this can lead to stroke. In fact, smokers are five times more likely to suffer strokes than non-smokers. This is especially dangerous if you are taking birth control pills, as the risk for stroke is even greater, especially if you are over the age of thirty.
The most dangerous part of cigarette smoking, however, is what it can do to your lungs. Smoking is leading cause of lung cancer in the world. Though non-smokers can also get lung cancer, smokers greatly increase their chances beyond those of non-smoking individuals. Smokers are also at risk for developing emphysema, an incurable breathing disease.
Though cigarette smoking causes some irreversible damage, there is good news for those who decide to quit smoking. It only takes ten years after you quit smoking before you lungs return to normal. This means that if you quit smoking now, you can have a new lease on life within ten years. In addition, the immediate effects of quitting smoking are even more exciting.

Why Learn English ?

Why English ?
A question that is often asked is “Why are the Tamils willing to learn English but not Hindi?”My answer would be “Why not Swahili ?”Even though the answer is actually a question, the answer to my question is the answer to the earlier question too – “No significant use”.If the technical journals and other scientific articles and information/knowledge is in Swahili, people will learn it and not English. The same logic can be used for any other language.What do we get with Hindi?Quite often learning/speaking Hindi is associated with patriotism. Does it mean learning Tamil or any other Indian language is unpatriotic ? or is it lesser Indian language than Hindi ? Why is there such a skewed logic ?Hindi helps you to communicate with the majority Indians is another answer. As far as Tamil Nadu is concerned, Tamil is the majority language so its good to know it.

If a Tamil, moves out of TN, he should learn the local language of the region and not Hindi. Till then, a mixture of English and a few words can keep him alive in another state. Making Hindi compulsory in TN for the few who travel outside TN is absurd. What is the percentage of Tamils traveling outside TN?Now that the jobs are predominantly created in the southern states, will the North Indian in general and Hindi person specifically learn a South Indian language – any one ? or in other words, most Hindi speaking person tend to look for Bangalore, would they learn Kannada ? Shouldn’t they learn Kannada?Respect is a two way street, if you can’t learn my language, why should I learn another language ? Unless and until, I see a benefit in learning another language, I don’t intend to.